Bouncing Back after a Rupture or Divorce

If you are going through a divorce or a romantic break-up you may be experiencing many emotions....from anger, fear, disappointment, hopelessness toward the future, sadness, to grief (this emotion sometimes is not recognized, but it can be real). In many cases divorce is not a devastating loss, on the contrary, it may make you happy or relieved, but in most cases, all of a sudden finding oneself not being part of a couple hits us hard and sometimes we ask,

• How was I wrong?
• What mistake did I make?
• Could I have done something different?
• How did I not realize what was happening before?

To go through a divorce or romantic break-up, you close a chapter in your life, but it does not end your life. In front of you is a path that you can walk down with strength and hope.

If you feel any bitterness in your soul, let it go. It is not healthy to keep negative feelings inside. If you think you are doing harm to your former spouse, you are wrong. The person you are doing harm to is really yourself. Therefore, forgive and go on with your life.

In the system "The Eleven Principles of Transformation" in the third principle "Go Deeper into the Spiritual Dimension" I elaborate on the issue of forgiveness (besides gratitude and love). If we learn to forgive, we empower ourselves. We choose to be happy and transform any romantic loss into an extraordinary gain.

P.S. Part of this article was taken from my book "Transform your Loss. Your Guide to Strength and Hope"

Have a beautiful day,

Ligia M. Houben, MA, CGC, CPC

Certified Grief Counselor - Life Transitions Coach

From Darkness to Light

As I work with many people going through losses or life transitions, I have been able to see the effect our attitude has on how we handle the situation.

Some people face a small problem and find themselves hopeless, afraid, or with no motivation. Other people face huge losses and are able to withstand their pain and even become better persons.

What is the difference between these two groups of people?

I have to say it is their attitude. Although some people dwell on the negative and the pain, others use their faith, hope and strength to keep them going. Instead of focusing on the darkness that may surround them, they choose to use their inner resources and turn on the light.

To which group of people do you belong to?

Have a beautiful day,

Ligia M. Houben, MA, CGC, CPC

Certified Grief Counselor - Life Transitions Coach

You Can Bounce Back After a Loss

In life everybody faces difficult times such as the loss of a loved one, divorce or break-up, illness, job loss, relocation, economic hardships. As you read these lines you may identify with one or several of these losses and although you may feel you won’t be able to overcome the pain and be happy again, you can bounce back after a loss and even thrive on grief.

You can find strength and hope no matter what you are confronting in life. It may take time (it is different for each of us) but it is possible. What matters most is to have faith and believe in your resilience. Yes, you have the ability to recover after a loss. You just need to look into your inner self to bring up those resources.

• I won’t be happy again….
• Life is unfair….
• Why has this happened to me...

 These are some of the thoughts you may entertain at moments of grief, despair, or hopelessness. It is natural to experience these emotions. It only shows you are human. Still, you can choose to dwell on your pain or bounce back after your loss.

I have been so touched by many of my clients who have faced painful situations and thrive on their grief that I wanted to remind you of your possibilities. In my own life I have confronted many losses and have been able to bounce back. It has to do with faith, hope, strength, resilience, and love.

We have valuable resources in our spirit, mind, and heart. It is up to us if we use them.

Have a beautiful day,

Ligia M. Houben, MA, CGC, CPC 

Certified Grief Counselor-Life Transitions Coach

When Our Loved One Grieves...

Grief is a personal experience. Because we are unique human beings, our grief is unique. Although we think we know what another person feels, we do not. Grief is very subjective, and we can only understand or empathize……but we cannot really know what the other person is feeling. What happens when the bereaved  is your loved one? When they are grieving the loss of a loved one? What can you say? What can you do to make them feel better?

When we deal with our own grief, we may know what helps us or what to do to process it. In the case of another person…we may tell them what has helped us and what may help them… but we cannot do it for them. They have to go through their own process…and during that time is when your own grief becomes paramount.  It becomes bigger than anything else because you feel impotent as you are not able to take the pain away from your loved one; it becomes heavy because you add the extra pain to yours; it becomes impatient because you want to have the power to remove it from the heart of your loved one; and, it becomes humbling when you realize you do not have the power to make it disappear.

You can only be present with love, compassion, empathy, patience, and hope.

In reality, it is very difficult to put it in words the pain one feels when the person we love is suffering…it breaks my heart and I feel the pain down to my bones…it envelopes me in this desire to remove any trace of his pain….any tear…any longing…but I know I cannot…and I remain still…as a witness of his grief…allowing this huge pain to come out, and be expressed,  shared, and  turned over onto me - then I can receive it in my hands and in my heart.

As I said before…grief is very personal and unique…and it needs to be expressed because, if not, it may destroy our soul. The fact that I have specialized in grief and loss does not imply I do not experience it. I do… with all my heart.  I am not afraid of going to that dark place…because it is there where I can see the light again. It is in my greatest grief where I can discover the greatest joy:

I am not afraid to love….therefore I am not afraid to grieve.

As you transform your loss, you  transform your life!

Ligia M. Houben, MA, CGC, CPC

Certified Grief Counselor-Life Transitions Coach   

For more information visit : http://the11principlesoftransformation.com

What is Grief?

If you suppress grief too much it can well redouble.
-Moliere

Grief is the emotional reaction caused by an important loss in our lives. Because each one of us have our own history, the way to express grief varies from person to person. It is important to keep in mind that we should never judge the grieving process of another person based on our own reality.

One of the most common questions people ask is how they will experience grief and although one may have an idea of how one will react we can never know for sure. For example, as we experience the loss of a loved one due to death, we could react screaming, crying or by keeping silent. We may share our grief with someone or stay quiet. We may write our thoughts in a journal or search our religious beliefs. Let's learn to live the process of grief.

Grief is like a rollercoaster - it goes up and down, sometimes in a sudden manner, other times more subtly, but it is never constant. It is unreasonable to assume one can dictate a person's grieving time. At times, just when one assumes the most difficult stage is over, we face an anniversary, a birthday or a special date and this situation can provoke the most painful reaction in our soul . Let's allow our hearts to experience the feelings. Let's not repress them. Feelings may hit us like a huge wave. As we see the huge wave, we can chose to ride it so it can take us to the shore, run away from it or dive into it. Out of these three possibilities the best one would be to ride with it. It is the same with grief. Let's not fight it back. Let's face it, experience it and continue in our life path.

What are you experiencing? Take a piece of paper and write down your feelings - it may help you to release them.

I wish you a beautiful month and remember.....as you transform your loss you can change your life!!